Beauty and the Beast

Today was a lovely day. I feel rested, clean, prepared, smart, lively, healthy, and content.

While walking out of choir, down the hill, listening to the "clack, clack, clack" of my boots, I was suddenly reminded of my father. I think it's the holidays. Or maybe it was the cool breeze filled with the scent of decaying leaves, who knows? Then I was reminded of a few days ago.

Ryan and I were in bed, lights out, my head on his shoulder, and I said to him, "I've been thinking about my Dad lately. I don't really know why. I wonder, what happens when I die? Will there be anyone left who remembers him? Our children will never know him, besides in the few measly pictures I have, and stories vague and unfamiliar, sometimes even to me. What happens?" He replied, "I don't know..."

I don't think I've come to a conclusion about this, or that I ever will. What happens when everyone we knew when we were alive dies? Do we cease to exist on Earth? Will no one know who my father was? He never did anything spectacular (that I know of), and in fact did a lot to hurt others, but some how that fact still bothers me. Maybe it bothers me because I don't know what he did that was good, or what he did to impact someone's life. I know he didn't live and die for naught. I know he did something. I feel guilty because I never asked him, "Dad, what are the things you did in your life that you're proud of?" So I don't know.

What I do know:
He was compassionate, loving, empathetic, thoughtful, willing to learn, funny...and kind.

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to deal with these random "dammit, I didn't really know my father and now it's too late" gut-wrenching pangs, but at the same time it's helpful. It reminds me to ask people questions about themselves before it's too late. Not to let myself settle for surface relationships.

So I won't. Maybe that's one of death's biggest lessons. Time is short. Do with it what you can, and make the most of your time with people. Tomorrow they may be gone.


Yesterday was foggy, reminded me of home, on the river, and I smiled sitting near the fire. Today the sun shone for a bit, and I smiled. Oh, how I do love the sun. Today was a lovely day.