"Reverence"

(Copied from myspace blog.)

Ryan and I had a lovely conversation about reverence in the car on the way home from the Compline service at St. Mark's cathedral on Sunday. What we discussed is something that I have been ruminating about (mostly inwardly) for quite some time. It seems that I hadn't quite reached the point of expressing my thoughts in totality, and even reaching a conclusion, until that night.

I don't know exactly when the shift occurred, but I think it was sometime in my Sophomore year at Northwest. Perhaps it happened as early as the end of my first year, or maybe it was after my father died. What I am sure of is that it was necessary and not borne solely out of the hardening of my heart. Yes, it's true, I have stepped away from the emotional side of worship for a while. Is my heart hardened?
Maybe a little, but I feel like it was necessary so that I might grow in my knowledge of God.

In high school I was in with the Pentecostal church. I sang in a youth group worship team, and jumped around at concerts waving my arms and dancing with the best of them. I enjoyed it. I think, for a while, I truly meant it. I cheered for Jesus and exclaimed to everyone how excited I was that Jesus loved me and that I loved him and, "Aren't we just the happiest pair around?" Of course, that is not very honest, and in fact is quite limiting.

I started to wonder if I was faking it. Is this real? Am I happy right now, or am I keeping up appearances? Joy is not the same as happiness. I know that nothing can harm me if He is for me, yes, but that does not mean I do not have difficult days. I stepped away from the emotions of worship and began thinking about the words and their meaning to me. Do I feel like dancing, raising my hands, or kneeling? I do not want to lie to God. Suddenly I found that worship within a church service seemed more like ritual with no substance. I now find myself in true worship when I am alone: driving, showering, praying, crying, eating, working, falling asleep, and waiting. I wondered for the past few years if it's just me being hard and selfish, unwilling to worship when I'm "supposed" to. The Compline service solidified the truth for me.

God deserves our reverence. Yes, Jesus loves us and came down in human form to save us. Yes, he is our father, mentor, and friend. But is that all that He is? No. He is much more than we can ever put words to. That is what I have been struggling with. I get all that fluffy stuff about God that the church shoves down my throat (and yours) in an attempt to be relevant – or to attract patrons. I get it. Isn't there anything else? That question pushed my feelings away. I need a God who grows with me, and the picture that I have seen of Him in church is stationary.

There is something else. God is bigger than love. I know, he is love, but he is MORE than love. That is what my soul screams at me. He's more than this! I need more than this. I feel loved. I need to know that there is more to life and more to God than love. I experienced His power at the service on Sunday night. I need a complete leader, and "love" is not big enough to express who He is.

Maybe it appears that I am hardened to worship when I do not stand in chapel or raise my hands during every song, but I cannot lie to myself or to God. He is bigger than "good." Anything I try to say is so small in comparison to what I believe and know to be true about Him, that I feel like it's useless to try. Does this make any sense?

I'm definitely not trying to slam anyone who does worship wholeheartedly and emotionally during a church service. I admire that still, and oftentimes miss that part of myself. I am just in a place right now where that feels wrong for me. I need to be reverent, in awe of an awesome God. I am in a time of stillness so that I may know that He is God.