It's a new year, and it's a good time to review the past, yes? On the second, it was also our three-year anniversary (holy cow!), and I cannot express how much I adore my husband, and how I truly love being married. I've been thinking lately about how being married puts one into a different category. The married and the unmarried. Some of the people I know didn't treat me any differently after marriage, or after they found out that I am married, and then others do the opposite. Suddenly I'm a stranger, an "other."
Why does this happen?
I know my priorities changed, and are still changing because of marriage and having someone else to think about. You cannot be entirely selfish when you are in a serious relationship, or it just doesn't work. Maybe that's weird for some - they just can't accept the change in perspective or future goals? Or maybe it's the loss of time to spend with friends. Jealousy? It is especially important in the first few years of a marriage to really work together, and that usually means a lot of time together.
I've lost a few friendships in the last four-ish years, and I think it's due to this, but it is hard to tell. Mainly because the friends just leave, ignore, or even pretend not to know me at all (remove friend from facebook/myspace, haha so silly). It's funny how people can drop you like that without one word. It hurts, yes, but I'm learning to accept it and move on. Obviously they didn't really care about you all that much in the first place, or that wouldn't have happened.
The friends that I still have are the ones that I know will likely be around for the next fifty years. Those are the people who energize me instead of draining me (I just can't be used anymore; I'm done with those types of people). They help me work through problems, laugh and make stupid jokes with me, and don't think twice about being in a different place in life - or the same, as the case may be.
I've seen this happen with other couples as well. Have you had it happen to you in relating to the same (marriage) or other similarly large changes in life? What do you think causes it? Have you left a friendship because they made a change that you didn't approve of/agree with, or you just felt that it was time for a change yourself?
It's strange. When I become friends with someone, invest time and energy into a relationship with them, I usually just assume that we'll always be friends, and when that's not longer the case, it's quite shocking at first. Maybe it's just me, and maybe I am imagining all of this? Again, I'm not sure, as I've never had anyone explain why we aren't friends anymore. Is that conversation just too hard to have? I suppose I like honesty too much. I would rather know, so that we can repair the relationship someday, or so that I won't repeat mistakes in the future if it is my problem.
I've never been great at friendships - especially with females (guys are just easier to be friends with; generally less emotional drama and game playing). I don't initiate activities much, and I won't force people to open up about problems and spill their guts to me. I suppose I ride the current too much, and maybe I need to be more active.
Well, that's something to work on this year. That and I've already committed to exercising four times a week, and I think I'm going to try to curb the caffeine usage in the morning as well (hello, half-caff). We're starting next week, and doing it early in the morning. Ugh. This is a huge challenge for me, but I suppose I have to force myself to be a morning person whether I like it or not - the world wakes with the sun!
So, Happy New Year, and I will look forward to seeing more sunrises in 2010.
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4 comments:
I know what you mean about friendships ending, though I can't empathize with the married situation (unfortunately! ;)).
It has always really pained me for a friendship to end. Especially when it is unexpected and unexplained.
Lately, I have been thinking about different relationships as having different shelf lives, in a way. Some just run their course in time and there's nothing we can do about it. I don't know if that's a healthy outlook or not, but it helps me cope with the change. I am thankful for friendships that last, but try to embrace the inevitability that some are only temporary.
Back on the subject of marriage, I have noticed that I can't often stay as close to friends once they are married. It isn't a conscious choice or anything... it just happens sometimes. If I were to really analyze the reason I might say it is because:
a. Time. Even if us single friends know our married buddies need to spend more time with their hubbies to make it work, it is hard to maintain a friendship when there isn't the same amount of time being invested anymore.
b. Priorities. Sometimes us singles can't relate to our married friends like we used to. All of your priorities shift when you're married and if your shared interests aren't really concrete, there might not be anything left to relate to.
c. Envy? If the single friend isn't really secure in her singlehood, seeing her bestie get wed might be really hard to deal with. A big part of female friendships is often centered on boy talk and the tone of those conversations can totally shift. If the single friend wants to lament that there are no good guys left in the world but her married friend wants to gush about the perfection of her beau, it can get a little strained.
Wow. I just typed a lot. Haha, sorry Jenni. Don't know what came over me. The office is slow today and I have lots of time to spew nonsense. ;) Don't know if it makes sense. Need more coffee... but hope your New Year Resolution is gong well!!
Mmm, thanks for the thoughts ReBekha. I think you're probably right about a lot of what you said, as I've suspected/thought about most of that myself. Don't be sorry! It's nice to read comments. :)
Good to know I'm not the only one who laments over ended friendships, too. Yes, the resolutions are going well so far! I hope yours are as well, if you made any that is. :D
I understand these sentiments completely (and R's, too).
When I got married, I didn't just lose a lot of friends, I lost many mentors. Some openly abandoned me, and others did so quietly. I still don't quite understand the reasoning; I only know that it left me discouraged and confused, which was NOT how I wanted to be when I started a new chapter in my life.
But you know what? R is right. Some relationships do have a shelf-life, even relationships with mentors. Some will withstand winds of change, and others won't. I think it's natural. People are dynamic creatures. You might fall out of touch with some people only to rediscover friendship several years later. Or, you may not. :-)
Life gets really complicated after marriage, too. In many ways (most, even), it's a great adventure. But in other ways, it's an exhausting experience. Meshing two lives together, not just physically, but also emotionally and spiritually, is no small order.
At any rate, I understand how you feel, Jenni. I really think you and I have quite a bit in common. :-)
Michelle, thanks for the thoughts, and yes, I think we probably do have a lot in common. :)
I know I just need to learn to roll with the changes in friendships a little better. BUT! It's tough.
Oh, and marriage IS such a great adventure, isn't it? It is definitely the best decision that I've made thus far in my life. :D
Thanks again!
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