Okay, so I'm working on poetry again, and I'm hoping for some constructive criticism of this one now that it is summer and you all have brains again...hopefully. That is, if they haven’t melted out of your ears.
Questions to answer if you so choose:
1. Is there anything that feels awkward or that doesn't quite fit right?
2. What is the heart?
3. Any revision suggestions as far as grammar/syntax/diction/etc?
I'll take anything here, folks. Improvement is my continual goal. :)
Marriage
It's not the white dress, velvet cake, and flower toss.
It's not the ring-by-spring or bust.
And it's definitely not the "we need to have sex now."
It's not just the baby-making, focused on production.
It's not just sharing my food, my bed, my breath.
And it's definitely not just the "I promise – 'till death."
It is holding hands in the whispering hours.
It is sharing skeletons beneath soft sheets.
And it is most definitely the small seconds before dawn,
When lungs linger: balancing beats.
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2 comments:
Whenever I read this poem, I think of that scene in Baz Luhrmann's Romeo + Juliet where the two are under the sheets, laughing and enjoying each others' presence...but in a quieter, calmer way, like a couple that is quietly lying next to each other in bed, under a parachute of sheets settling over them, completely comfortable and in tune with each other. It's a beautiful, peaceful feeling that it brings to mind. This poem is incredible, Jenni. (I know this isn't constructive criticism, but I can't think of a way to improve this poem!)
Ah, nice picture, Beff. :) And thanks, I like it a lot too. It's okay, I got some constructive criticism on my facebook note as well to help with revision. Thanks for the comment!
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