Cycles

Cycles. Our lives are full of them, obviously.

Recently I've experienced all too well the cycles of relationships. They come, and sometimes they swiftly leave for presumably no reason. I don't deal well with this cycle, and I never have. Maybe it's because I wear my heart not on my sleeve, but three feet away from me. I don't know, but I am tired of caring about it so much. Sometimes it affects my whole day just knowing that someone out there, who I thought I was friends with, thinks otherwise. Why? I keep asking myself that, to no avail.

I am trying to shrug it off, forget about it, and pretend that it doesn't matter to me. But it does matter. I care about people, and when I call you my friend, I expect that we are friends without question until I am informed otherwise by YOU. Well, sometimes we get informed otherwise by circumstances and other people. That's no fun.

But I'll deal with it anyway, and move on. I suppose we always make new friends, and we live and learn as usual - or, at least we hope we learn. I'm trying to learn to become more protective, but then again, I don't want that either. I don't want to be a hardened wall. I have to be able to access my emotions at the drop of a hat - hello, actor. I know being able to do this makes me better on stage, but boy, sometimes it sucks in life. I envy those of you who can brush it off and move on in a split second. Sometimes it takes months, or years, for me to get over a dead friendship/family relationship. Sometimes never. Praying for release helps, yes, and I am doing that.

I'd love to keep my friends and family close forever, but I know that's just not how life works, so I will try to adapt - or maybe I'll just deal with the grief.

Well, at least it's a gorgeous day once again. I'm starting to really enjoy living here, finally. It took four years, haha. Four years, and finally, some much needed sun.